This Saturday is the four year anniversary of my ectopic pregnancy. For some reason the anniversary is particularly raw for me this year. I have theories on why that is, but I think a lot of it has to do with our ability as nurses to think "things could always be worse". We minimize our own struggles because we see so much pain and struggle every day. Our situation can't really be that bad. I did this a lot in the days, weeks, and months after my ectopic. I explained it away, and told myself and anyone I talked to that it happened for a reason. A couple months later, my hair was falling out, I lost some of the hearing in my left ear (it has never come back, and they never found a cause), and my SVT (abnormal heart rhythm) was flaring up regularly. I'm certain that the mind-body connection and the emotional stress contributed to these things. I would say it was at least a full year before I really dealt with things emotionally... I would also say that I continue to deal with this loss and I likely always will, as anyone in my situation does.
Here is what happened in 2010 in my words:
I found out last week that I was pregnant. We have two beautiful, amazing children. Lately, we have been enjoying the fact that our youngest is becoming more and more independent at 4 years old. We hadn't planned on a third, but apparently that plan was going to change. I selfishly thought about the things that I would put on hold for a few years. No triathlons in 2011... "Ok, I'll shoot for 140.6 when I turn 40" (that would give me 6 years). No more disaster medical team.... "Ok, that can be put on hold. I can still attend the trainings and keep up my skills." "We can't afford three kids in childcare...Ok, we will revise our schedules to eliminate before and aftercare for the two older kids." In a week, I had come up with a potential plan. It was a rough week. A lot of crying. A lot of guilt, for being shocked by this pregnancy when I know there are so many people who are trying so hard to have children. I felt tired, and nauseated, but tried to push through. Of course I started to become attached to this new little one.
On Monday, I started to feel uncomfortable. Pregnancy can make you uncomfortable, so I prescribed myself a dose of "Suck it up". Hours later, the pain was intense. (It should have been a sign when I put my jacket on the floor of my office and lay down for a few minutes trying to get comfortable). Eventually, my OB sent me to the ER. I was an emotional and physical disaster. I always feel fortunate to work with such amazing people, but even more fortunate to experience their skill and compassion when I needed it most. It took a ridiculous amount of pain medicine to get me comfortable, but they did. Tests showed that the pregnancy was ectopic (it was taking place in the fallopian tube rather than the uterus). This can be life-threatening, but thankfully they caught it in time. They were able to give me medicine and avoid surgery. It took an overnight stay to get the pain and nausea under control. The medicine (methotrexate) is a chemotherapy agent. It stays in my system for over a week, and causes nausea and other symptoms. I still have a fair amount of discomfort, but it gets a little better every day.
Three days later, I don't think I've begun to process it all. I went from thinking about how life would change with a baby, to not being pregnant in a week. I know I need to grieve, but I think I am too emotionally exhausted to be there yet. I do know that I don't have control over when it will happen, and just have to let things come as they may.
Above all, I am thankful for the love of my family and friends. Tommy has taken time off to take care of me, the kids have kept their fighting to a minimum, and everyone has been so wonderful with their offers for help. I couldn't ask for more. I am sure there is some lesson in all of this for us, I just don't see it yet.
Four years later, I still haven't figured out that lesson. What I do realize and appreciate so much more is the loss experienced by those who lose a pregnancy. While Tommy and I weren't trying for a third child, it was still a loss, and it catches me off guard at unexpected times. Perhaps the lesson is that the loss has to be acknowledged. Sometimes we have to sit with it, no matter how hard that is, and let it be felt. And we don't always have to live in a world of "could be worse" and "things happen for a reason". Sometimes, things can just suck for a while... and then we have to pick up and give thanks for the amazing things that balance out the loss.