Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Bring on December!

I've started about five blog posts in the past couple of weeks, but have never actually posted. My perkiness and pep are still escaping me (though I see a glimmer every know and then). I have tried to exercise, but the knee injury that started late this summer flares every time I try a lower body workout (run, elliptical, bike..). I am always one for "sucking it up", but apparently I need to see an expert...tomorrow I see the orthopedist.

November sucked on many levels (considering I started the month with a very unexpected stay in the hospital). At the same time, November included my sister's wedding which was a wonderful event filled with family, friends, and good times. On this last day of November, I am tired, I am grumpy, I am seriously missing exercise! Reading all of the race reports lately just makes me realize how much I miss it!

So how to break out of this funk? (*It isn't depression, definitely just an irritable state). I've realized I need to break it down into things I can change and things I can't, and look forward to the awesome things to come in December. I can't change that I was ill, that my knee is a wreck, or all of the things at work that are out of my control. I CAN suck it up, put on a smile, stop eating total junk, stop sweating the small stuff, work on getting my knee better, figure out a race calendar for 2011, start getting in workouts somehow, and enjoy my awesome family!

So bring on December. I am ready!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

An awesome time at my sister's wedding.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Where is my pep?????

Anyone who knows me well would probably agree that I am a relatively perky person normally. Perhaps a little bit Polyanna, glass is half full, try to make the best of it, but perky nonetheless.

This leads me to feel EXTREMELY frustrated that I have absolutely no pep these days. I know I am coming off of an illness, and that I have to give it time. Monday was my first day back at work after two weeks off (the first of which I pretty much spent in a supine position, on meds for pain and nausea). For the past three days, I have carried my gym bag into work, hoping for a short run at the end of the day. For the past three evenings, I have carried the back back out to my car without opening it. I worked later than planned on Monday, but each day have left work completely exhausted. Yes, we have been busy at the hospital, but not the busiest we've ever been.

I know I need to listen to my body and give it time. I keep reminding myself that just going to work and being on my feet all day is more exercise than I've had in two weeks. I still don't like it, though.

So enough whining, but if you find a little extra pep or perkiness lying around, would you please send it my way?

Sunday, November 7, 2010

How to Plan a Wedding in 3 Weeks

The setting: Uncle Rob's awesome log home in West Virginia (near Shepherdstown)
The Event: Girls Weekend, Taking a walk before lunch

The Conversation:
Meredith (My younger sister): "Trevor says maybe we should just save money and get married here."
Me (thinking to myself "Didn't we talk about this as a location MONTHS ago?) : "How about November 13th?"
Meredith: "That could work"

Three hours later, we were walking into David's bridal. The salesgirl never knew what hit here. In one hour, we had the perfect wedding gown, my dress, my daughter's dress, and the MOB dress for our Mom. This is what happens when the girls go to "relax". We also got wraps at Macy's since it will likely be chilly.

Fast Forward two weeks, t-minus 6 days from the wedding. My energy level is really frustrating....I can't do nearly the amount to help my sister that I thought I would be able to. If it involves physical labor, I am out. Thankfully she has lots of awesome friends and family to help. I am just hoping to be able to stay vertical for the wedding. It is amazing how everyone has pulled together to make this happen, and I know it will be beautiful.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Relinquishing Control

"Control is never achieved when sought after directly. It is the surprising outcome of letting go." James Arthur Ray

If you asked most people who know me well, I like to have control. I like to have a plan. Surprisingly, my job often involves very dynamic situations. We have to react quickly to changes in patient condition, and I manage to handle those crises pretty well. I like a plan, though. When my sister decided to plan her wedding in three weeks, she knew that I would be more than happy to be very involved in the planning process.

Over the past four weeks, I have been frequently reminded that sometimes life doesn't go according to plan. It just doesn't. Sometimes the changes are minor (a sick child, a car problem), and sometimes they are life-altering. They say that God doesn't give you more than you can handle, but I definitely think sometimes He tests your limits. I have commented before about people who "overshare" on their blogs, but I have come to realize lately that getting my thoughts on "paper" is healing for me (so this is me oversharing).

I found out last week that I was pregnant. We have two beautiful, amazing children. Lately, we have been enjoying the fact that our youngest is becoming more and more independent at 4 years old. We hadn't planned on a third, but apparently that plan was going to change. I selfishly thought about the things that I would put on hold for a few years. No triathlons in 2011... "Ok, I'll shoot for 140.6 when I turn 40" (that would give me 6 years). No more disaster medical team.... "Ok, that can be put on hold. I can still attend the trainings and keep up my skills." "We can't afford three kids in childcare...Ok, we will revise our schedules to eliminate before and aftercare for the two older kids." In a week, I had come up with a potential plan. It was a rough week. A lot of crying. A lot of guilt, for being shocked by this pregnancy when I know there are so many people who are trying so hard to have children. I felt tired, and nauseated, but tried to push through. Of course I started to become attached to this new little one.

On Monday, I started to feel uncomfortable. Pregnancy can make you uncomfortable, so I prescribed myself a dose of "Suck it up". Hours later, the pain was intense. (It should have been a sign when I put my jacket on the floor of my office and lay down for a few minutes trying to get comfortable). Eventually, my OB sent me to the ER. I was an emotional and physical disaster. I always feel fortunate to work with such amazing people, but even more fortunate to experience their skill and compassion when I needed it most. It took a ridiculous amount of pain medicine to get me comfortable, but they did. Tests showed that the pregnancy was ectopic (it was taking place in the fallopian tube rather than the uterus). This can be life-threatening, but thankfully they caught it in time. They were able to give me medicine and avoid surgery. It took an overnight stay to get the pain and nausea under control. The medicine (methotrexate) is a chemotherapy agent. It stays in my system for over a week, and causes nausea and other symptoms. I still have a fair amount of discomfort, but it gets a little better every day.

Three days later, I don't think I've begun to process it all. I went from thinking about how life would change with a baby, to not being pregnant in a week. I know I need to grieve, but I think I am too emotionally exhausted to be there yet. I do know that I don't have control over when it will happen, and just have to let things come as they may.

Above all, I am thankful for the love of my family and friends. Tommy has taken time off to take care of me, the kids have kept their fighting to a minimum, and everyone has been so wonderful with their offers for help. I couldn't ask for more. I am sure there is some lesson in all of this for us, I just don't see it yet.